Say the Magical Words
by A.D. Williams
Summary: Due to the constant fueding between the brothers, their father transforms them back to children, since that is how they want to act. There's only one way to solve the problem, will they ever figure it out?
1. Final Straw

Before reading, it should probably be specified that this is a mix-up between timelines; though they're technically living in feudal Japan, they still have modern technology. Kind of makes things more interesting, to say the least :) Anyway, everyone knows that Inuyasha and Sesshomaru don't get along. But what if interference from their dad can change that? (And yes, of course in reality, Inutaisho is dead, but his presence is vital to this story). With all of that said, read and enjoy!

Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha or any of the show's characters.

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**Final Straw**

"Inuyasha, what the hell are you doing? You wave the Tetsusaiga around like a Neanderthal. It is obvious that you do not deserve to wield such a weapon."

Inuyasha snorted at his brother. "Like you can use it? Tetsusaiga can only be used by those who have human blood in them, which, may I remind you dear brother, you don't have!"

Sesshomaru's patience with him snapped and he lunged towards Inuyasha, hand ready with his poison claws. At that precise moment though, their father stepped in between them. Inutaisho held up his hands and a small energy wave pushed Sesshomaru back twenty feet.

"Father, this is between me and Inuyasha," he snarled.

His father raised an eyebrow at him as if to say, "Oh, really?" but turned his back on him and headed back inside the palace, motioning over his shoulder for them to follow. Inuyasha fell into step beside him, and only out of respect did Sesshomaru go too, keeping a few paces behind them.

Later that night, as everyone was getting ready for bed, Inutaisho heard his sons arguing again.

"Sesshomaru, you don't need a whole _tube _of toothpaste!"

"Have you ever wondered how my teeth stay so white? It's important that I keep my mouth sparkling at all times for the ladies."

He heard Inuyasha growl in frustration. "Who gives a damn about them?"

"_I _give a damn about them. Of course you wouldn't know what it's like to be a celebrity. I mean, who wants a half-breed?"

"Kagome, that's who!"

Sesshomaru snorted. "Like _she's _somebody."

Their bickering went on for a while longer. Inutaisho turned away from the base of the staircase where he'd been listening. _Tomorrow, they're going to get a rude awakening._

Sesshomaru woke up very early the next morning, intending to go force one of the cooks to give him an extra breakfast before he started his training. Being the son of the Lord of the West had its advantages; they couldn't tell him no to anything.

He slipped his feet over the side of the bed and instead of them hitting the floor, his entire weight was thrown forward and he fell to the ground. _Hm_, g_uess I'm not so graceful this morning. _He went to go check himself in the mirror on his dresser, but found that it had decided to grow over night.

_Must still be in a dream; dressers don't grow. _Stifling a yawn, he headed back to his bed, but it too seemed to have grown. "What the hell is going on?" he wondered out loud to himself, but suddenly clapped a hand over his mouth. Whose voice was that, sounding so childish? He rushed back to his dresser, and after pushing a chair from his desk over, he climbed up and examined himself.

"Aaaaaaahhhhhhhh!" he screamed, losing all the composure he once had. He now looked about six in human years. "Oh my Kami, oh my Kami, oh my Kami!" He panted, fanning his hands in front of him really fast. "What the hell's happened?"

At that moment, he heard another scream coming from Inuyasha's room, but before he could get to his door to go see what had happened, he came bursting into the room, completely in tears and looking like a four year old. "Se-sess-sesshomaru! I'm little!" he cried. He ran over to his brother, hopping up on the chair and hugging him, tears and snot smearing on his kimono.

Sesshomaru pulled back and examined his brother. Inuyasha's ears seemed a little too big for his head and were flat against his head, eyes wide and soulful, making him look like he'd lost his best friend. _Now he really does looks like a dog,_ he thought.

"Okay Inuyasha, we have to get control of ourselves." The childish voice that came from him didn't sound convincing or controlled. He hopped off the chair and headed to the stairs. _If anyone can tell us what's happened, it's Father._ He got to the stairs and stopped. Each step seemed like a million miles down. He gulped. _Oh no! My old childhood fear has returned! I never was able to get down the stairs. But yet, I always ended up at the bottom. How? _

He took a cautious step forward, putting a foot down on the step in front of him, and smiled to himself when he was fully on the step, unharmed. _Well, that was easy. Now, just to do it a few more times and— _

He took another step and instead stepped on his tail, causing him to fall the rest of the way down. "Ow...ouch...ompf...that's gonna leave a mark...damn that hurt..." He landed on the bottom of the staircase, rolling and hitting a table in the hall way. His weight caused a vase on the table to fall over. "Nooooooo!" Sesshomaru screamed.

Everything seemed to slow down into a frame by frame motion. The vase wobbled. It tipped over. It rolled off the table. Sesshomaru screamed again, more high pitched this time. He dived for the lamp. He felt a tug on his tail. The lamp misses his fingers by mere centimeters. Then... CRASH!

"Ooooh! Father's gonna get you for breaking that vase!" Sesshomaru got off the floor to be met by a grinning Inuyasha. "Let's see how he reacts when he sees what his 'perfect' son's done. Daaaaaad!"

The other's eyes opened wide with fear. "No, Inuyasha, don't tell on me!"

"Why shouldn't I? You never missed a chance to tell on me!"

Sesshomaru tried to think of a time that he'd told on Inuyasha. A thousand cases came to his mind. _Okay, new approach. When have I _not _told on him? _He knew without really trying that there weren't any. Inuyasha was right, he'd always told on him at the first sign of a chance to see him get in trouble.

Inutaisho came walking at a leisurely pace, talking on a cell phone. "Yeah Bill, tell them I want a reservation at the Olive Garden. No, I don't want bread sticks, I'll order when I get there! Yes, fine, I'll take the soup and salad deal, damn! No I don't want my main meal being shrimp fettuccini; I'm allergic to shell fish." He noticed a pulling on his pants leg and looked down to see a very excited Inuyasha.

"Yeah, hold on a moment Bill." He put his hand over the mouth piece. "Well, it worked! How are you two feeling?" Inutaisho asked them.

"How the hell do you think we feel? I went to bed as a twenty year-old and woke up as a six!" Sesshomaru spat.

His father stared at him a moment, and then said, "Sesshomaru, your speech is a little grown for your age. I think you need a time out."

Inuyasha's eyes opened even wider, if possible, to the hopefulness of finally seeing Sesshomaru in trouble. "Oh, and dad, he also broke that vase right there. See?" He pointed to the vase. "He did that!"

Inutaisho looked at the broken vase and sighed before simply saying, "Inuyasha, quit being a snitch." He turned back down the hall, talking once again on his cell phone. Inuyasha's ears dropped against his head again, and watched degradingly as a smirking Sesshomaru strutted past with an "I never get in trouble" smile on his face.

_But Father had said he had to do time out. How come he just forgot about that so easily? _He gave up on trying to solve the impossible mystery and followed Sesshomaru to the kitchen for breakfast.


	2. Hell on Earth

**Hell on Earth**

Inuyasha went into the kitchen and found nearly everything out of reach. He noticed that Sesshomaru was having trouble getting into his chair, needing to back up and take a running leap before belly-flopping on the seat. He scratched desperately to hang on, but failed and slid back to the floor.

"Aw, does wittle Sesshomaru need help?" Inuyasha teased. "You do have youkai abilities, just jump into the chair."

Sesshomaru stopped his struggles and stood back to watch Inuyasha make a fool of himself. Inuyasha stretched like he was getting ready for a track meet, then jumped into the air, expecting his feet to meet wood. Instead, he again felt linoleum. "What the..."

Sesshomaru rolled his eyes. "If I still had my old youkai strength, do you think I'd be wasting my time trying to jump into my chair? You're so stupid, Inuyasha." He backed up again and this time when he jumped, he got a good grip. "Yes! Finally!" He threw a fist in the air and said, "I am the champion!"

_We'll see about that, _Inuyasha thought. He pushed the chair over and Sesshomaru hit the ground on his face. _What the... what's this feeling I feel? _Sesshomaru thought. _It's not what I think it is, is it? No, I'm too old for this! I'm..._ He couldn't hold back any longer, and next thing he knew, he was crying, "Owwweee, Inuyasha, that hurt!" he sobbed. "I'm telling Daddy!" Suddenly the tears stopped. Daddy? Where the hell did that come from? And yet, his once again childish mind told him that this was right to say.

Inuyasha though, burst out laughing. "Daddy? Oh my Kami! Even I still call him..." His childhood mind kicked in just then too, and the thought of calling their father 'Father' seemed a little bold. "Well, whatever." He dropped the comment, knowing he now had no room to talk.

After another ten minutes, both of them were in their chairs, but now faced another problem. They couldn't see over the table. Jaken had just come from the servant's quarters and noticed this. _Seems like Lord Sesshomaru's been taken down a peg or two. Well, now I can give him what he's always deserved. This is for the horrible treatment I've gotten over the years!_

Jaken sidled up next to Sesshomaru's chair and said, "Me Lord, it seems like you're having trouble with being able to see everyone else. Can I be of some service to you?"

Sesshomaru didn't like admitting that he needed help, but unfortunately, he did. "Yes, Jaken. Get me the phone book."

Jaken smiled evilly at him. "Get it your damn self, you good for nothing bastard!" he said, and walked off, laughing manically.

"Jaken, do not think that because I have returned to my childhood state, that does not mean I still can't kick your ass."

Jaken turned around and stared incredulously at him. "Really? You couldn't even get into a chair, do you really think that you could hurt _me? _Rin could kick your ass now!"

"Oh, yeah?" Inuyasha said, hoping this was true. "Go get her." Jaken snorted under his breath and walked off, clearly showing that he wouldn't.

"Here you go, boys," one of the cooks said cheerily as she set bowls of steaming food down in front of them. Both had to rise up onto their knees in order to reach it.

"What is this?" Inuyasha asked, pointing down at the tannish, chunky-looking mess in the bowl, and making a face.

"I believe it's oatmeal," Sesshomaru responded in his calm voice.

"I ain't eating it," the half demon stated, and was about to hop down off of the chair, when their father came into the kitchen.

"Inuyasha, you're not leaving the table until you eat your breakfast."

Sesshomaru snickered. He knew Inuyasha always had to be told a million times to eat his food, being the picky eater that he was. He settled back to watch his younger brother struggle with the sticky substance known to man as "oatmeal". "Sesshomaru, you eat your food too. Don't make me have to pull out my belt."

_Tch! _The elder boy decided that he wouldn't let go of all of his dignity, and hopped down off the chair anyways. Inuyasha stopped shoveling food into his mouth and stared at him. "Wat de 'ell are you 'oing?" he muffled through a mouthful of food.

Sesshomaru ignored him and spoke instead to his father. "I do not eat human food. Such a meal might be fine to lowly half-breeds, like Inuyasha, but as Lord of the West, I refuse to eat this degrading slop." Inutaisho's face was a cross between confusion, and shock. He silently rose from his chair and walked calmly over to Sesshomaru. Before the other could move, he had drawn back his hand, and had slapped him hard across the face.

"You've done lost your Kami damn mind, talking to me like that!" He whispered in a deadly voice. "If I say that you're going to eat your food, you eat it, do I make myself clear? Oh, and as for you being Lord of the West, that position was handed back to me the moment you decided to go on vacation to Iraq. What the hell were you thinking, trying to help those Americans? Don't you remember what they did to Nagasaki, and Hiroshima?"

Sesshomaru was trying to get back on his feet, but his vision was spinning around in circles, still dizzy from the slap. Inuyasha was at the table, laughing his head off. "Dad knocked the hell out of you!" he said, rocking back and forth in his chair so hard that he fell out, then continued to laugh on the floor.

Inutaisho went over to him, then picked him up by his collar. "He, he, he! Having fun laughing at your brother, eh? Well, I've got something for hyenas!" He pushed Inuyasha into the farthest corner of the kitchen with his face to the wall. "Stay there and think about how you should behave. As for you," he said, rounding on Sesshomaru, "you're grounded."

The room grew silent, then...

"Please, Daddy, don't ground me! I'll be good, I promise! I cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye, promise!" Sesshomaru grabbed his father's pants leg, and looked up at him with the most babyish look he could manage, trying to look more like his puppy-featured brother. Yes, such looks had its advantages. Inutaisho however walked out of the kitchen and up the stairs.

He walked into Sesshomaru's room, pried the now crying child off of his leg, and carelessly deposited him on his bed. He shut the door with a resounding click, locked the door, then whistled cheerily as he headed back down the stairs, ignoring the pounding and a faint cry of "Please, Daddy, I'll even stop wetting the bed!" which came from the room.

Back in the kitchen, he found that Inuyasha had left the corner. Following his scent, he went out the back door, and saw a huge red and white form sitting in a tree. "Boy, I wonder where Inuyasha is!" he called out, looking as if he hadn't seen him. "I'll never find him, he's hidden so well! I guess I just have to wait for him to show himself! But maybe if he does it now, he will be spared the whopping that he has coming his way!" Nothing happened. Inutaisho lost his patience. He hopped into the tree, right next to Inuyasha. "Hi."

The hanyou fell back out of the tree, landing on the ground hard. His father grabbed his collar once again and dragged him back into the palace. "You probably already knew that I wasn't really going to spare you the belt, but now, you not only have a beating coming, you too will be grounded." He called a servant to bring him "The Belt" and commenced to spanking Inuyasha. "Didn't...I...tell...you...to...stay...in...the...corner!" he panted, letting the belt hit with every word. "I...don't...like...to...be...disobeyed." Going on like this until his arm got tired (and he's a full demon, so you know that was a while), he finally sent Inuyasha up to his room. "And if I even think you're trying to do something stupid, I'll beat you so bad, the aftermath of Katrina will look like a joke compared to the welts that will be on your ass. Now get out of my sight!"

Breathing heavily, Inutaisho sat down wearily on the couch, trying to catch his breath. He had forgotten about this part of having children, both boys being grown, or near grown, for so long. Just then, he remembered he still had an appointment with a client at the Olive Garden. He rubbed his temples. _I'm getting too damn old for this. I think I feel a migraine coming on._ With this thought, he grudgingly left the palace.


	3. Childish Antics

**Childish Antics**

_I've got to think of a way to get out of here! _Sesshomaru thought. It had been four hours already, and still no one had even come and got them for lunch. _The window, perhaps? No, I'd end up killing myself if I jumped. Bust through the door? Tried, and failed. So what? _He sat on his bed and thought about this for a while, until he heard a key in his door turning and the door opened. There stood Inutaisho.

"I believe that you and your brother have learned your lesson. You can come out now." The boy didn't even stop to wonder why his brother was grounded for a shorter sentence than him when he had misbehaved worse, or why his punishment time was so short. Sesshomaru all but ran through the door and down the stairs, once again tripping on his tail and falling the whole way down. _I've really got to do something about that, _his mind muttered. At the base of the staircase, he crashed into Rin head-on.

"Watch it, you stupid idiot," she sneered at Sesshomaru.

"Rin, since when did you get so brave as to talk to me like that?" Sesshomaru said in a deadly whisper.

His warning went unheeded. "Since you decided to get turned back into a kid, stupid." With that, she pushed him down, and then laughed openly at him. "Ha! Look who's the weak one now!" She laughed at him some more, then pulled something from her pocket. "Want some candy?"

Sesshomaru knew better than to say yes, but he said it anyways. "Well, you can't have it! It's mine, all mine! No stupid baby's gonna get any of it either!" With that, she slowly unwrapped the candy, making the younger boy pine for it even more. She took her time bringing it to her mouth, looking for a moment like she had changed her mind and was going to give it to him. His eyes opened hopefully, only to squint in agitation and disappointment when the piece of candy disappeared into her mouth. With that, she sauntered off with a self-satisfied smile on her face.

Holding back the childish tears that had begun to pool in his eyes, Sesshomaru went into the living room to see a sight to behold. Shippou and Inuyasha were on the floor with a board game between them. _Since when did Inuyasha ever like that fox? Last time I checked, never. _He walked over to them, noticing that they were playing Chutes and Ladders. Due to the sour expression on his brother's face, it was obvious to tell that he was losing.

"Shippou, why don't you play with Sesshomaru? I'm tired of this game."

"Bet you wouldn't be tired of it if you were winning, " the kitsune sneered. Inuyasha tackled him, and a flurry of white hair and brown fur went rolling across the room. It came to a halt on the opposite wall, Shippou sitting on a dazed Inuyasha who now sported a black eye.

"Ha, Inuyasha! Now that you're little again, I can beat up on you! How does it feel?" The fox hit him on the head, then hopped off and went to go sit back in front of the game, looking at Sesshomaru with a look on his face that said "bet you don't want none of this." But the former taiyoukai never backed down from challenges, so he sat down too, ready to beat this new foe.

Three hours later found him sweating hard, and blowing on the dice for luck, praying for a seven to get him to the ladder that would win him the game. He was behind Shippou by three spots and all the kitsune needed to win was a one. All Sesshomaru had to do was pass him up; should he roll less than the magical number he needed, he'd lose the game for the eighth time in a row.

He loosened his death grip on the dice, and watched with wide eyes as one die landed on a three, the other on a four. Sesshomaru stood up to cheer, but screamed in horror as they flipped over and instead became a two and a one. The room fell silent for a moment, then Shippou joyfully moved his piece to the end of the board. He danced around the game, singing some stupid song he'd made up about him being the best in the world, and how Sesshomaru sucked more at playing games than Inuyasha. Jealousy soon turned to rage, and the other started transforming.

Shippou stood back and watched with a fascinated look on his face as the former lord turned into what was supposed to be a dog. Instead, he found himself still looking up at Shippou due to his lack of height, as a puppy.

"Aw, so cute!"

Sesshomaru turned his head to see Kagome and Sango in the doorway, looking at him with adoring eyes.

_No, stay away from me! This Sesshomaru is not cute! I'm supposed to be a ferocious demon, striking fear in the hearts of millions! Noooo! _his mind screamed, as Kagome picked him up and rubbed her face in his fur.

"You are just _too _adorable!" she cooed. Sango held him next, holding him on his back in her arms and rubbing his stomach.

_Kami, no! Not...a...tummy rub! Curse these dog emotions! _He couldn't hold back any longer, and soon his tail was wagging and his foot thumping quickly at the feel of someone stroking his stomach. _You know, this isn't so bad! How come nobody ever rubbed my stomach before? _He jumped from her arms and stretched out on the floor, legs up, waiting for Sango to continue to rub him. Her touch never came.

"Ew, look Kagome!" he heard her whispering to the other girl. The miko held a disgusted look on her face, and was staring at something a little below his chest. Sesshomaru looked down and saw that now that he wore no clothing... well, let's just say some things were showing that shouldn't have been. He quickly rolled back over and transformed back into his normal demon form. So much for that. He was about to let the whole killing Shippou ordeal go, when he saw the fox standing in front of the board game.

In his hand was the blue fire from his Fox Fire magic trick, but instead, he threw the blue flames down on the board. As it grew closer, it disappeared. Sesshomaru thought that was all he was going to do, but then noticed that the dice shook, then flipped, turning into his winning two and one. _That bastard! _

In a flash, he was all over Shippou like white on rice, ripping into him and screaming "The game was fixed, the game was fixed!" But the fox was now older and bigger than even him, easily pushing him away with one hand and examining his claws on the other as if that was the most important thing in the world at that moment.

A loud clearing of a throat stopped the dog, and slowly he turned to look at who made the noise. Miroku. "Wow, this is more interesting to watch than flicks on pay-per view! I can just see the title of the movie now: _The World's Most Outrageous Animal Fights!_" With that, he threw a rubber steak into the room, and sat down on a couch to watch what would happen next.

Sesshomaru, gaining back most of his dignity, walked right passed the steak, finding himself beyond such foolishness. Shippou, on the other hand, picked it up and started chewing lightly on it, using the rubber to sharpen his teeth. Something about the fox having the toy pissed him off and next thing he knew, he was once again in a brawl with the kitsune.

"Hey idiot, give it up! You can't win anymore!" And he was right. Only two minutes after the fight began, he was tired.

He got off the floor, brushing his shoulders off as if he just realized there was a bit of dirt on them. He no longer wore sleeves, those getting torn in the fray. "Good fight, my young fellow, good fight." He shook hands with Shippou as if businessmen, then parted ways, Sesshomaru to his room to change, and the other outside to play with Rin.

Miroku stared incredulously at their fading figures. "Man, that was boring! Where's Sango gone off to...?" he mused to himself, getting off the couch to find the demon slayer. At least she would provide some fun for him, even if it always ended in a slap. Some people never change.


	4. Best Friends and No Friends

**Best Friends and No Friends**

Inuyasha sat in a corner of one of the many expansive gardens of the palace. Concealed behind a large azalea bush, he chatted busily with his new-found friend.

"You know, Ace, you're the only one I can trust. Everyone else is always making fun of me for being half demon, or half human. I'm happy that you accept me the way I am." His friend didn't respond back, simply staring at him with an impassive face, much like Inuyasha's brother. Inuyasha took this as a thoughtful look. "It's okay, I know you're too modest to say anything. So just think about what I said, alright?"

He started another conversation with Ace. "I wonder why Daddy changed me and The Idiot That Shall Not Be Named back into kids. I never got around to asking him. Maybe I can get Kaede to change only me back. Then he'll still be a pup while I'm older than him. As if he didn't already get punked by Rin and Shippou, I'll be the older brother, pushing him around, too. I can call him shrimp, and shorty, and act like he's so small, that I can't even see or hear him! Yeah, that'll be perfect..."

Meanwhile, Ace still hadn't said anything. He stared at a point somewhere over Inuyasha's shoulder, not looking at anything in particular, still wearing that impassive look. Suddenly, a strong gust of wind blew, knocking him over; he didn't bother to pick himself up.

"Ace, are you tired?" Inuyasha asked him. "Come on, I'll see if I can get you a room to take a nap in." He grabbed his friend and started toward the palace, only to meet head on with Sesshomaru.

"Who the hell are you talking too?" Then his eyes fell on Ace. "Inuyasha, please tell me that Faygo can is not your friend."

"His name is Ace," Inuyasha said, defending his "friend". "And he's a half demon too."

Sesshomaru decided to play along with this. "Fine. Tell your mutt friend dinner is ready." He didn't miss the scowl that was thrown at him. _How low can you go? Befriending soda cans? And I thought I was bad for having my first kiss with Rin's Barbie doll... _He headed back to the palace, Inuyasha and Ace following.

"Dad, we have a "guest" for dinner," Sesshomaru told his father, emphasizing on the "guest" to show that it wasn't anyone of importance. The boy pointed to Inuyasha, who was still holding the can.

"Where is he?" Inutaisho asked, not even bothering to ask why his son was cradling a Faygo can like a child.

"Here he is," Inuyasha spoke up. He held out the soda.

"Oh, thank you!" Inutaisho exclaimed, grabbing it and popping it open. It was gone within a few gulps.

His father gave a satisfied burp, then handed the empty can back to Inuyasha. "Boy, that hit the spot! Nice and quenching! The perfect drink after a long day at the office. So juicy too! See, that's why I always buy Faygo's. They don't dry my mouth out like those other sodas. Dogs may be man's best friend, but Faygo's are mine! Now, where's this guest that we're supposed to be having?"

Inuyasha hung his head. "He left," he replied quietly, heading over to his spot at the table.

Sesshomaru went to the pantry and came back with another soda in his hand, sitting at the table (both of them having to get running leaps) beside his brother. "Here, Inuyasha. I feel kind of bad that Dad drank your only friend. You know, in my first time as a child, I never had any friends either." He held the strawberry Faygo out to his brother, who didn't reach for it. "Oh, come on! Take it, before I drink it." He really seemed sincere, so he reached for the soda, cradling it too, like he had done the late Ace.

Sesshomaru grinned evilly. _This idiot here! _He grabbed one end of the soda, and soon, a tug-of-war match was going on between them. After a moment, Inuyasha had almost pulled the can out of his brother's hands, but before it left the older one's grasp, he pulled the top, opening it and spraying his younger sibling in the face.

"Opps! There goes...Ted!" Sesshomaru fell into a fit of laughter. The food arrived then, and as a way to ignore his brother Inuyasha dug into a huge platter filled with pork cutlets.

Inutaisho, though, reached for the same piece of meat that he was reaching for. Both of their forks were poked firmly on the slab. They stared each other down intently as if about to have a shootout, the atmosphere growing thick with the tension. A very large dust ball rolled across the kitchen floor. Then, simultaneously, they let go of their eating utensils to do "Rock, Paper, Scissors". "Best of three," Inutaisho said; Inuyasha nodded assent.

On the first try, the Dog Lord was beaten by scissors to his paper. On the second try, he won, having shown rock to scissors. The third round herald Inutaisho having a rock and his son having paper. Inuyasha grinned triumphantly and was about to grab his prize, when his father stopped him. "Wait a moment. How is it that a piece of paper can beat a rock?" The hanyou shrugged, not caring why, only wanting to eat his meat (we shall try not to snicker at that…)

Inutaisho wasn't satisfied with the lack of an answer, and picked up the piece of food that Inuyasha had fought so hard for. "I don't believe that you won. Sesshomaru, what do you think?"

"I think that it should be yours, Pops. You are a lord, and a lord deserves nothing but the best," Sesshomaru answered with a sticky-sweet voice and smiling with all of his teeth.

Inutaisho beamed back at him. "That's my boy!" He downed the pork cutlet in one bite, smacking his lips loudly. "Ah, this is just turning out to be my day! A perfect soda, a supreme pork cutlet, what else?" Inuyasha's ears fell.

"What's the matter with you?" Inutaisho asked.

"Oh, you just devoured Andy!" Sesshomaru burst out. Inuyasha had had enough. He slid under the table from his spot and headed up to his room. "Wait, don't forget Frank!" his brother called, throwing a green bean his way. It hit him in the head, sticking in his hair; he never noticed it.

After this bout of laughter had worn off, Sesshomaru gave a deep sigh. _I'm so lonely. _He looked thoughtfully at a pear in the fruit bowl on the table. Grabbing it, he said, "Me and you, Stan, will be best of friends..."


	5. I Don't Think I'm Alone In Here

Vague references to a horror movie ensue…

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**I Don't Think I'm Alone In Here...**

After dinner, everyone was full (except Inuyasha) and had plopped down in front of the TV. Finding nothing interesting to watch, Inutaisho decided to put in a movie. "I think you kids should go to bed. This probably isn't meant for your eyes." Everyone in the room snorted, even Rin and Shippou.

"_I'm _not tired," the fox said. "I can stay up for weeks at a time. Are you tired, Rin?" He looked over to her on the couch only to find her knocked out asleep. "Well, um... still! I'm not going to bed! I demand that I'm treated like an older child, rather than like a baby! I'm older than Sesshomaru now, why do I still have to go to bed like him? It's not fair...it's..not...right..." Tiring himself out from ranting, he too was now asleep.

Kagome took him upstairs to the room that was loaned out to him; Sango got Rin, both girls planning on hitting the sack themselves seeing as it was now past eleven. Miroku followed them, hoping to get at least one more grope in on them. Now all that were left were the dog demons and a half. "Well?" Inutaisho said, looking pointedly at them.

"Well what?" Inuyasha muttered, not really in the mood to do anything he told him to do after seeing Ace being downed by him,

"Well, aren't you two going to bed?"

"Daddy, do we have to?" Sesshomaru complained. It seemed the right thing to do.

"Of course you do."

"What's so interesting to you that everyone has to leave the room in order for you to watch it?" Sesshomaru pressed.

Inutaisho faltered. "Um..uh...see, um...well... don't you worry about that! Just go to bed!"

Inuyasha and his brother exchanged glances. "Come on, Daddy, can't we stay up just for a little bit longer?" the younger pleaded.

"No! Now go to bed before I put you there myself!"

Sesshomaru decided, though, to give it one last shot. Grabbing one of the DVD's on the entertainment shelf, he threw it across the room, hitting a picture on the wall and knocking it off. _Oh, snaps! Over kill! _He got up and made a break for his room. Too slow. Inutaisho swooped him up and carried a kicking, screaming, preaching, Sesshomaru to his room for the second time that day.

"No, I don't wanna go to my room! You can't make me! I'm a grown man! I'm too old for this! I will not be moved! Kami says to let your children stay up as late as they want to. You can find that passage in the book of Sesshomaru, chapter 5 verse 11."

"I should have my own house with my own rules and a baby momma somewhere with my four children whom I'm not even sure if they're completely mine, but none the less I pay child support for them!" His father stopped on the last step and stared at him.

"You really want that? If I were you, I'd reconsider. Your mother has to pay child support for you, since I have custody of you."

"You mean, mom didn't die? You two just divorced?"

Inutaisho shrugged nonchalance. "She said she wanted a real man and mentioned something about feeling like she was sleeping with another woman. Well, she found her man."

"Who?" Sesshomaru questioned, now on the ground, distracting his father and leading him back down the steps.

"Naraku."

Sesshomaru just about had a heart attack hearing this. "What! What the hell does she see in him? He looks like a girl too!"

Inutaisho glared at him. "Look in a mirror yourself, sometime. And I'm not a woman; I'm just feminine."

"Feminine my ass," Sesshomaru muttered. His father decided to ignore this last comment.

By now they were back in the living room. Inuyasha was still sitting on the couch and had started the movie that their father had wanted so desperately to watch alone. "Saw II isn't scary," he said. "If you can get past the beginning, I think you can get past the rest of the movie." Sesshomaru plopped down next to him. Inutaisho figured that if he'd seen that far, no hurt would come from watching the rest of the movie. Sad how mistaken he was.

_Later that night…_

"DAAAAAADDDDDDYYYY!" Sesshomaru screamed, running down the hall to his father's room. He kicked open the door, not even waiting to be told to enter. "Daddy! There's someone in my closet!"

Inutaisho groggily looked at him. "What? Who?"

"I think it's that old man in that movie who was killing all those people!"

His father was now fully awake, looking at his son with pure annoyance written on his face. "You mean that old man who had cancer? Some weak, old human who couldn't do a damn thing to you, and you're scared! Sesshomaru, take your ass back to bed." He rolled over and went back to sleep.

But his mind told him that he was right about his intuition. He went in Inuyasha's room and stood beside his bed for a moment before climbing in. Inuyasha stirred slightly, then popped his eyes open. "What the hell!"

"There's someone in my room," Sesshomaru reasoned with him, pulling some of the covers over his body. Some is an understatement. Since the blanket was small, he basically took the whole thing.

"Sesshomaru, you're the oldest! I'm supposed to want to sleep with you (*snicker*), not the other way around! Get out!" He kicked him until he fell over the side, tears brimming with hurt.

"Fine, Inuyasha! I hope that girl in the movie who took over that old man's work comes and takes you away to make you survive some life threatening test and make you more appreciative of things! Then you'll be begging me to stay." He stormed out the room and went back to his.

The closet door was cracked just a little, and he swore he could hear the labored breathing of the old man Saw. He grabbed his Star Wars light saber from a corner of his room and slowly advanced toward the closet. Holding it high over his head with one hand, he pushed the door of the closet opened with the other. He was met by two eyes.

He screamed; it screamed. He screamed louder; it screeched. He started crying; it mewed. What! He turned on the closet light to see Kirara. He swung the light saber anyways, hitting her squarely on the head. Before he knew what had happened, he was across the room, slouched against the wall, staring up rather than down at Kirara.

"Heh, heh... nice kitty," he tried pacifying the cat demon. It didn't work. Grabbing him from the scruff of his neck, she carried him as if he were a pup and threw him out of _his _room, slamming the door afterwards. He heard a loud scraping noise up against the door, the dresser being pushed in front of it. Then he heard the bed squeak, her settling down on it as if it were her own.

_I can't believe I just got thrown out of my own room by a cat! Dogs are stronger than cats, what the hell! As long as word of this doesn't reach father—_

His thoughts were interrupted by so-said saying, "Sesshomaru, you shame me. Getting your ass kicked by a cat!" coming from his father's room.

_Well, at least the others don't know—_

"Hey, can you believe Sesshomaru got punked by Kirara?" he heard Sango whispering to Kagome in the room that they shared.

_Okay, but as long as the rest of the palace court doesn't know—_

"Hey, Bob, I heard that one of Inutaisho's kids got beat up by that demon slayer's pet cat!"

"Which one, the boy or the girl?" "The girl!" two servants were saying to each other on their way to bed.

Sighing heavily to himself, Sesshomaru settled down in front of his room door, using his tail as a large pillow. He had woken up as a child, was bullied by Rin, humiliated by Jaken (and that's saying something) been beaten eight times in a row at Chutes and Ladders then beaten in a fight again by that same person, found out that Naraku was his step dad, had premonitions about old men in his closet, and now was thrown out of his own room by a dog's worst enemy. No, today was not his day. At least sleep would bring peace. He dreamed about pools of Beggin' Strips, a crater full of Nerf toys, and cats being chased down streets of gold.


	6. Rules of the Game

**Rules of The Game**

Sesshomaru woke up to feel someone kicking him in his ribs. "Get your ass off the floor!" He blinked, then grunted, realizing that the person was Inuyasha.

"Kick me one more time and this Sesshomaru will not hold back from killing you," he growled to him. Inuyasha instead looked at him as if he were completely crazy.

"'This Sesshomaru'? What other Sesshomaru is there? Oh, wait, there's one!" He pointed to an empty corner of the hall. "And there's another! Wow, there sure are a lot of you Sesshomaru's! No wonder you have to be specific. Or maybe you just like talking like an idiot?"

"Call me what you want," Sesshomaru said levelly. "But we can't help the way the creator made us. She made you a complete moron, but I don't complain, now do I?"

"Boys, get your sorry asses down here," their father yelled from downstairs. Inuyasha stuck his tongue out at his older brother before skipping down the steps.

Sesshomaru decided to see if he could get into his room yet. The door was still being blocked. _I'm gonna kill that cat, just wait. _Following the half-breed, he went into the kitchen to see both his father and his brother already at the table. Getting his running leap, he landed in his chair. Upon sitting down though, he frowned, noticing what was on the table.

"How come there's no meat here," he said to no one in particular. "As dog demons, meat is a vital part of our nutritional diet." Sesshomaru sniffed the bowl closest to him. "What the hell is this? Tofu! Tofu isn't real meat, it's processed!"

"You're right, tofu isn't a meat at all, it's a soft cheese-like food made from curdled soybean milk," Inuyasha supplied.

Everyone stared at him.

"What? I can't read the dictionary every now and then?" he huffed.

"Inuyasha, I wasn't even aware that you could read," Inutaisho stated.

"Yeah, well I can. Like I read your diary and how one whole page was about how you wish you had softer legs—"

"So, what are you boys going to do today?" his father said, cutting him off. Inuyasha smiled to himself. Revenge is a bitch.

Nobody answered the thrown out question, so he switched topics. "You two are probably still wondering why I've turned you into children, huh? Well to make a long story even longer, I'm tired of your bickering and fighting. You sound like my first wife."

"Mother?" Sesshomaru asked.

"No, Britney Spears. Anyways, I figured that if you are going to act like children, you might as well be children. In order for you to be turned back into your regular ages, you have to say a certain phrase, one that you never said in your grown up state."

"Is it pimp slap?" Sesshomaru asked hopefully, flexing his fingers and giving a side glance to Inuyasha.

"No," the younger boy said, "It's 'let's all bake Sesshomaru's innards'."

"You're both wrong. Why would I have the phrase being something that has to do with you two hating each other?" With an exasperated sigh, Inutaisho got up.

"You'll know you've said the magical words when you transform back. But keep this in mind. The more hatred you show towards each other, the harder the phrase is going to be. Now if you'll excuse me, I have work to finish." He left, going to his study.

Sesshomaru snorted to his retreating figure. "I bet you the word is probably something like supercalafragulisticexpialad oushus or something."

"You dumb ass! That's not even a word! You're too old to be watching Mary Poppins." Inuyasha said superiorly and hopped down from the table. "It's probably something that's not even English, like thank you, or something."

"I thought that was English."

"Nah, it's Portuguese."

~.~.~

Later on that day, both of them were outside playing hide and seek. _Inuyasha will never find me here! I'm invisible! Nobody can stop the great Sesshomaru, nobody! _

"If you're going to hide, pick a spot inconspicuous rather than crouching against a red brick wall when you're wearing all white," Inuyasha said.

"Well, it's no worse than when I got done counting last time, and you were still standing in the _same spot _in the _same position._"

"I was a statue!" Inuyasha defended himself.

"Inuyasha, nobody would want to do a statue of you! Especially not one with you picking your nose!" Inuyasha gave a non-comitial snort.

They decided to play another game. War. "It's now 0900 hours and the enemy has yet to show himself," Inuyasha whispered into a walkie-talkie. "I'm hiding behind my force field right now, waiting for the initial start of the battle to begin. But so far, our target too is hiding somewhere with that large tail of his tucked between his legs."

Suddenly, Sesshomaru showed himself, walking calmly from around a corner of the palace. "Inuyasha, if you're going to talk to yourself, make sure that I can't hear you."

"What! How'd you find me?"

"Oh, I don't know... could it be because you were using the walkie-talkie that automatically transmits to the other one that came in the package and that other one I happen to be holding?"

The half-demon's face fell. "You're cheating! You're not supposed to be listening in on my conversations!" They could be private!"

"What kind private information does a four year old have?"

"Um, well, uh,... that's private! I can't tell you, you'd probably just go and tell some girl or something. Oh, wait. You are a girl!" Inuyasha laughed hysterically at his joke.

Sesshomaru started rolling up his sleeves. "Fine, if you want to fight, we can fight. Let's go!" Inuyasha also started rolling up his sleeves. Sesshomaru attacked first, though.

"Your momma so fat, she jumped in the sky and got stuck!"

"That's old, Sesshomaru. Your momma so nasty, she gotta creep up on bath water!"

"Your momma so ugly, for her, Halloween is 365," Sesshomaru shot back.

Inuyasha looked stunned at this comment. _Damn, he's good. _"Well, your momma so dumb, when they said it's chilly outside, she ran out there with a spoon and a bowl."

"Is that the best you've got, half-breed? Your momma so fat, she wakes up in sections."

"Your momma so old, she left her purse on Noah's Ark." Sesshomaru fell silent after this.

"Fine," he said, after a long pause. "You've won this battle, but you've not won the war!" And without warning, he pushed Inuyasha down and stalked off.

"Now, I'm gonna tell daddy that you pushed me!" Inuyasha sniveled.

"Go on, see if I care." But really Sesshomaru was actually afraid that he would go. Being grounded, even for only four hours, is like forever to a little kid. To his horror, Inuyasha got up and ran inside the palace, heading towards their father's study.

"No, Inuyasha, don't!" Sesshomaru ran after him, but suddenly something on the ground caught his eye. "Ooh! Some bubble gum!" He picked the already been chewed gum off the ground and put it in his mouth. "A little gravelly, but I can take it. Oh, snaps, Inuyasha!" He started running after him again.

But the other had reached the study already, and was about to open it. "Noooooo! Please Inuyasha, I'll do anything!"

"Anything?" Inuyasha asked, his curiosity getting the better of him. "Would you wash my clothes?"

"Yes!"

"And would you iron my underwear?"

"Fine."

"And would you pick the jelly from between my toes?"

"Hell no!"

"Then I guess I'm just going to have to tell dad what you did to me." And with that he turned around and opened the door.

Upon entering, they didn't hear the clicking of the keyboard, as was to be expected. Instead, they heard a rapid clicking of the mouse. Peeking over their father's shoulder, they could see a game on the screen. "Come on Luke, you can do this! Take out Darth Vader's Death Star!"

"Dad?" Inuyasha asked tentatively. Inutaisho jumped anyways, and quickly minimized the game, exposing a report that had been behind it. On the speaker you could hear a loud explosion, him dying on the Star Wars game he'd been playing.

"What are you boys doing in here? Didn't I tell you I had work to do?"

Inuyasha had started to share a glance with Sesshomaru, when he remembered why he'd come there in the first place. "Daddy, Sesshomaru pushed me! I want him punished severely for his absurd actions. Why do you think he wants to keep hurting me?" he whined dramatically.

"Inuyasha," his father sighed, "I don't care what you want. People in hell want a glass of water. Get out, I have a lot of work to do."

"But," Inuyasha said.

"No buts! Go! Oh, and Sesshomaru, can I have a word with you?" Inuyasha left, sulking down the hallway.

"Remember what I said about the more you show hatred towards each other, the harder it'll be to get back to normal, okay?" Sesshomaru nodded, inwardly rolling his eyes. "But I also wanted to congratulate you. That's my boy, show him how to be a man! I wanted to teach him weaponry, but that softie of a mother of his wouldn't let me. She said it'd make him 'savage'." He clapped a hand on his son's shoulder. "But despite this, still be nice to him. I don't cherish the idea of you two having to grow up again. Now get going, I still have a lot of work to do."

As Sesshomaru left his study, he could hear the lasers being shot and ships exploding. _Oh sure, he really has a lot of work to do. _He went downstairs to see what idiocy the half-demon was up to now.


	7. It's About To Be A What? Dog Fight!

In which the characters take on a dialect of the urban variety :)

* * *

**It's About To Be A—What?**

**Dog Fight!**

Inuyasha stormed down the stairs, about to head for the quiet comfort of the den, when a loud knocking at the front entrance stopped him. He was about to answer it, when the door burst open on its own. _Who the hell left the thing unlocked? _he wondered. _Damnit, dad! You were the last person to use the front door, but when it's left unlocked you always want to yell at us, like it's our fault! Sometimes I really wish I could just deck him one good time in the mouth without consequences! _But letting his musings go for the moment, he stared up at the sudden intruder.

There stood a demoness with silver hair, though it looked like she had recently been in a fight judging by the way it was completely disheveled and all of the bruises on her face. But two things clearly stood out to Inuyasha. One was the blue crescent moon hid on her forehead behind her dirty bangs. The other thing was the two red stripes on her cheeks. Evidently this was Sesshomaru's mother. Without even welcoming her in, Inuyasha screamed up the staircase, "Sesshomaru! Your rude ass momma's here!" then turned and headed toward his previous destination of the den.

Sesshomaru and Inutaisho came rushing down the stairs upon Inuyasha's horrible summon. Sesshomaru halted as he took in his mother's form, before rushing to her. "Mommy!" he tried to greet her, but he felt a pull on his collar which held him back. Figuring it was his father, he said, "Dad, I have not seen her since...well, quite frankly, since she's not exactly mentioned in the show or movies, I don't know when the last time I've seen her was. But I know it must have been a while since I can't remember her."

But instead of seeing his father, Sesshomaru turned to see Izayoi being the one holding him back. "Wench, let go of me," he snarled.

Her normally smiling face was now covered in rage, but evidently not at him. Her gaze was looking over his shoulder to his mother. "Slut," Izayoi sneered.

Sesshomaru's mother half-heartedly smoothed her hair against her head, and, drawing herself up to look more presentable, said "Whore."

Izayoi blanched for a moment then said, "Wench."

Both Sesshomaru's and Inutaisho's heads were snapping back and forth trying to keep up with their retorts. Finally, though, Sesshomaru's mother stepped up to Izayoi and slapped her, giving her a look that could kill along with it.

Izayoi threw her arms up in a boxer stance and said "You got beef, I got pork and chicken, take your pick!"

"Um, honey..." Inutaisho tried to reason with her, but was silenced.

"Shut up! This is between me and this bitch!"

Inutaisho looked to the other woman. "Naomi, when did you get back in town?"

"Since you've decided to start trying to get extra for child support," the demoness said.

Izayoi gave a bark of laughter for some reason at her comment. "Sesshomaru isn't his child, anyways. He belongs to that piece of shit new husband of yours."

Sesshomaru screamed. "Please, Kami, God, _whoever! _Please don't let Naraku be my daddy!"

So said suddenly walked through the door. Looking down at him, Naraku said in a voice that sounded like he was breathing through a mask, "Sesshomaru...I am your father."

"Yeah, on the day that hell freezes over!" Sesshomaru said.

"It has," Naraku supplied. "It froze over a few minutes ago. Didn't you hear the report about it on the weather channel? Happened because of a greenhouse effect or something." He smiled at Sesshomaru. "So, I guess that means you are my son. Besides, we already had it confirmed on Jerry Springer. Inutaisho remembers that episode."

Inutaisho looked blankly at Naraku for a moment, then said, "Who we talking 'bout?" Naraku frowned at him, then strutted past the dog lord and into the living room. Putting a video cassette into the VCR, he hit play and suddenly they were watching the Jerry Springer Show.

"Okay, today we have Naomi here on the show. Please welcome her," the host said. After a scattered applause had died down, he continued. "Naomi, there's something you want to know. What is it?"

"Well, Jerry, I'm here to see who's my baby daddy." The crowd erupted with Ooh's and aah's.

"Um, okay," Jerry said. "Well, we have your current husband and ex-husband behind stage, guys come on out!"

From opposite ends, Naraku and Inutaisho ran out of the back and immediately headed for each other. "Why you sleeping with Naomi!" Inutaisho yelled at him, but instead of answering, Naraku punched him. They rolled on the ground for a moment until Steve and a few other security members got them under control. With a huff, they both straightened their microphones and sat down in chairs on opposite sides of Naomi.

"Alright, Naomi. I have the test results right here in my hand. This will determine who is your 'baby's daddy'." Opening an envelope in his hand, Jerry pulled out a slip of paper and unfolded it. "It says here that... Naraku is the father." The crowd exploded again, and Inutaisho and Naraku went at it again. The spider demon cut off the VCR right before himself on the screen was about to hit the dog lord with another punch.

"So, as you can see. Sesshomaru's _my _son. I'm here to take him home with me."

"To hell you are," Inutaisho growled. "If we're gonna fight, let's do it!" He started taking a chain off his neck. Then another chain came off, then another, and another! Naraku started adjusting the many large gold rings on his fingers, switching some so when he punched with that hand, the rings would heighten the pain. He reached up and took off two large diamond earrings, as the dog lord took off two Playboy bunny earrings.

Looking almost ready, Inutaisho suddenly said, "Hold up a sec." Turning to Sesshomaru, he said. "Hold these for me," then took out two platinum grillz that said "West Side".

"A'right, now I'm ready." Naraku attacked first, swinging for Inutaisho's head, but missed and instead hit his hand on the wall behind him. Inutaisho kneed him in the stomach and when Naraku bent over to grab it, he started working on his head and face. Naraku crumbled into a ball on the ground. The fight was over before it began.

"Baby!" Naomi screeched, rushing to his side. "You bastard! How dare you hurt my precious Naraku!"

Izayoi snorted. "Precious my ass!"

"That's it, bitch!" Naomi screamed. "I've had it with you! You talk entirely too much shit! Let's see if you can walk the walk as much as you talk the talk!" Getting off the floor, she squared up with Izayoi, who was calmly taking off her kimono jacket to allow more freedom.

Without warning, the women went at each other. Naomi was using her poison claws, but Izayoi was somehow dodging them. _How in the hell? _The demon woman thought. _She's human! That's impossible!_

But then Izayoi stopped, both of them on opposite sides of the room. A bright light started forming around her, and then a bright flash. Her eyes started growing larger and turned yellow. Her hair grew into fur and in less than a minute, Izayoi had turned into a demon dog's true form.

"I'm so proud of her!" Inutaisho said, wiping a tear from his eye. "I'm the one who sacrificed some of my power to teach her that!"

The now demon dog Izayoi walked calmly up to Naomi, the other backing up against a wall until she remembered something. "Wait, I'm a dog demon too!" In a mere few seconds, there were two dog demonesses in the palace! "You may look like a demon, but you'll never be one, bitch!" she sneered at Izayoi.

"That doesn't hurt me since that's what a female dog is, bitch!"

"Ho!"

"Slut!" "

Wench!"

"Hussy!" The women threw taunt after taunt at each other, but seemed to get nowhere. Finally, Naomi said, "At least I don't have a mutt for a son!"

The room fell silent. Then Izayoi said, "At least I don't fuck spiders!"

"Ha, still I can kick _your_ ass!" they heard Naraku mutter from the ground.

Tired of all the fighting, Sesshomaru stepped in. "Why are you two fighting with each other?"

The women looked down at him with loving eyes, then Izayoi said, "That bitch stole my boyfriend back when we were in high school. And after he said that he'd go to the prom with me!"

Sesshomaru blinked. "You mean this has nothing to do with me?"

"You?" Naomi said. "Hell no! It doesn't even have to do with Naraku or Inutaisho. That's a whole other mess on its own."

"I still want custody of Sesshomaru," Naraku said, the bruises on his face fading. Quickly grabbing the demon boy, he ran out of the palace, only to stop and grab his sides right outside the door. "Hold up..." he panted. "Need sustenance...must go back and...replenish...energy..." Turning around, he went back into the palace and entered the kitchen. Grabbing just about everything in sight (cookies, chips, soda/Ace/Ted, dried oatmeal, etc.) he put it all in a large bowl and began grubbing. Everyone entered the room to watch him, Izayoi and Naomi turning back into their normal forms.

"Are you pregnant?" Inutaisho asked him.

Naraku gasped. "How'd you know! My doctor confirmed it yesterday!"

Everyone's eyes grew huge.

"Um, what are you going to have?" Inutaisho asked. "Oh, well, I'm not sure. See, I just randomly shoot out an incarnation whenever I feel like this. Mostly I've been having girls; you know about Kagura and Kanna, don't you? But I also have had a few boys, such as Hakudoshi, and another that I can't quite remember at this time. He was an ugly one though, and I'm happy that Inuyasha did away with him." He looked around him and noticed that no one was in the room anymore.

"Why does this always happen when I tell someone that I'm pregnant? You'd think that they'd at least congratulate me or something! But noo, I don't even get a baby shower! Why doesn't anyone love me!" he whined. But the sound of an engine roaring to life snapped him out of his misery. Looking out the kitchen window, he saw his red Ferrari being driven down the driveway by Naomi. "That bitch!" He started to go after her, but turned back and grabbed the inedible concoction he had made, before leaving out the palace screaming, "I should've known all you wanted was my money, you gold diggin' bastard!"

Back inside, Inuyasha came out of the den, looking as though he had just woken up. "What was all the commotion about?" Inutaisho, Izayoi, and Sesshomaru looked at each other for a moment, then split ways, not even bothering to answer him. What you don't know can't hurt you.


	8. You Know You Don't Love Me

**You Know You Don't Love Me**

Needing to keep his mind occupied from the thought of Naraku being his father, Sesshomaru decided to seek sanctuary in the palace gardens. His old spot that he used to like going to had been tainted by the memory of Inuyasha and Ace, so he headed to the farthest corner of the gardens, hiding behind a large rose bush. Sitting down, his back against a tree, he closed his eyes in an attempt to get some sleep. He hadn't slept well last night due to Kirara still having control of his room. _I wonder how a fire-cat rug would look on my floor, _he thought

Suddenly, a rustle in the bushes caught his attention. Before he could even see the figure, a familiar scent caught his nose. Where had he smelled it before? It was obviously a human, and a female at that, but the scent wasn't close enough to his memory bank to be recalled instantly, meaning that this person wasn't one of the human wenches that his mutt-brother had brought. The person stepped out into full view and Sesshomaru about had a heart attack at seeing her. Sara.

"Sesshomaru darling!" she cooed. "I've been looking everywhere for you!"

"Aaaahhhh!" Sesshomaru screamed, jumping up and backing against the tree. She was steadily coming closer while he couldn't go anywhere. "How are you still alive? I watched you die!"

"Yeah, but I've come back from the dead like that stupid priestess that keeps following your brother. I've planned a wedding in Vegas for us! But..." She finally took a good look at Sesshomaru. "You seem to have lost a few feet since the last time I've seen you. But that's okay, I don't mind short men. I just broke up with seeing Mini Me."

"You mean, that little guy who works with Austin Powers?" She shrugged and took another step toward him. He became all but one with the tree in trying to get away. "If you haven't noticed, I've been reverted back to a child. You going with me would be like an R. Kelly case. All we'd be missing is the camera."

Sara was quiet for a moment, then said, "That's okay."

Sesshomaru stared at her. "What, me and you going together? You're sick! First it was priests in the churches that were after little kids, now it's nuns too! What is the world coming to!"

Once again, Sara said nothing for a moment, then repeated, "It's okay, Sesshomaru. I understand. Besides, I've been considering the prospect of me and you together and I've come to the conclusion that me and you are as different as Vodka and Smirnoff."

"Actually, those go very well together," Sesshomaru put in.

"You get what I mean. And besides, someone else has been interested in me for a while. I just haven't said yes because I wanted to try one more time with you."

Sesshomaru had his back turned toward her, but spun around when she said this. "Who? Who wants to be with _you_?"

Sara smiled at him. "Kouga."

This time, Sesshomaru's eyes almost fell out of his head. "That wolf? You're choosing a _wolf _over me! I'm way sexier, what do you see in _him?_"

"His kind personality—" Sesshomaru snorted— "And he treats me like the princess I really am. Unlike you."

"You do know that he's two-timing you, right?" She acted like she hadn't heard him and started walking away.

"This is for the best. I know it's not what you expected."

"You're fucking right it's not what I expected!" Sesshomaru raged. "Are you dumping me? Nobody dumps this Sesshomaru! Nobody!"

"I just did, what are you going to do about it?" Sara said over her shoulder. But she disappeared through the gates before he could answer. "Noooooo!" Sesshomaru screamed. "I've been...dumped!" He dramatically sobbed on the grass for a while, then got up and wiped the grass blades off his clothes before heading inside, looking as if nothing had happened. _Her loss. She really didn't even look all that good. She was just a possible booty call 'till I found the real thing. _

Somehow or another he ended up running across Inuyasha again. "What's up, stupid?" he said casually.

"Nothing, asshole," Inuyasha replied back just as calm. "So," he turned to his brother. "Why were you crying out there?"

"Oh, nothing... nothing. You know, just some...um... well, you see—"

"Sara dumped you, huh?"

Sesshomaru hung his head in shame. "Yeah."

Inuyasha surprisingly clapped him on his shoulder. "It's okay. I too lost love today. Kagome's finally said she's tired of me running back to that 'wanna-be, Kikyo'. She's left me for Miroku."

Sesshomaru got quiet. "Damn. And here I am, stressing because Sara's going with Kouga."

"What the—!" Inuyasha shouted, then hung his head also. They both sighed heavily and sat down on a couch. Reaching under, Inuyasha pulled out a six-pack of canned sake and handed one to Sesshomaru. "Here, dad doesn't know about these. To hard times," he toasted. Sesshomaru held up his can and both boys drank deeply.

Six hours later, Shippou found them in the same slouched positions with beer (sake) bellies and what looked like stubble on their chins. Both sets of eyes were red-rimmed and bloodshot, staring vacantly at a blank TV screen. "Sesshomaru? Inuyasha?"

Shippou thought that they hadn't heard him until Sesshomaru said in a slurred voice, "Shh. I'm trying to watch TV," and grabbed the remote and pressed the volume increase button. Inuyasha simply got up and sat down on the floor in front of the screen as if that'd make him be able to "hear" the TV better.

Grabbing the sake can from Sesshomaru's grasp, Shippou made for a plant in the room to pour it out, but never made it; Sesshomaru attacked him. Holding him in a death-grip, he said, "Shippou, you're my bestest friend! You just don't know how much I care about you! In fact, I think I love you!" Shippou screamed, but as if what Sesshomaru had said wasn't bad enough, Inuyasha stumbled his way over to him, trying to make it to the plant also. The drunken hanyou fell short of his target and instead threw up all over the fox. He then promptly fell over on the ground asleep.

Shippou was resisting the urge to throw up too, and cleared the area before he did. _So much for trying to help! Fuck this shit! _

Sesshomaru went over to his brother and sat by his head. "Hey man," he still slurred. "I think you chased him away for good. Me and him were really starting to get close, I could feel him opening up to me." Inuyasha gave a loud grunt, then rolled away from him.

"Hey, are you listening?" Sesshomaru continued. "I said we were getting close. There's just so much anger pent up inside that little guy. You know his father's fur was used as some kind of skirt or something for those Thunder Brothers. And his mom...oh man, you don't even want to know." Inuyasha didn't say anything. "Okay, well if you must know, she was made into a fur coat. There, I said it, are you happy?" Sesshomaru screamed at basically no one. He got up and ran out of the room, instead running once again into someone else. His father.

"What in the name of hell gave you two the idea to drink my sake!" He thundered above Sesshomaru to what looked like about a hundred feet. "And without me!" Deciding that the only way to solve this was to soothe the savage beast, Sesshomaru handed his father the last can. His father sat down on the couch, patting the spot beside him. Sesshomaru tentatively sat down.

"Son, I saw what happened with you and...Sara? And I also heard the fight between Inuyasha and Kagome. All I can say is, there's no way to fully satisfy a woman. Even Izayoi has her moments when nothing I do can please her. In those times, I go out and find a woman who can satisfy my needs, if you know what I mean."

"Sex?" Sesshomaru asked.

"No, a back rub. And then maybe sex. But the point is, you can't really love a woman, because they all like to play dirty. Just find you a few women you like, get acquainted with them, but make sure none of them communicate with each other, then use them whenever you need something."

"Dad, you do know that you just told me that cheating is right, right?"

"Fine," Inutaisho grumbled. "If you don't like my advice, by all means use your own." He took a long swig of his sake, then passed the can to Sesshomaru. "In reality, you are twenty," but then frowned when Sesshomaru turned it down and instead pulled out a Red Bull. "Why the hell would you want to drink that?"

"Because it gives you wings!" Sesshomaru said, then sprouted wings and flew off to some other region of the palace.

* * *

The original personalities of the characters have by now been eradicated, as you can tell. Still, hope you enjoy :)


	9. Damn, I'm Sexy!

**Damn, I'm Sexy! **

Inuyasha woke up four hours later with a grumbling stomach and a major hangover. Looking out the living room window, he noticed that it was dark. _What time is it? _It must not have been too late because he could still hear someone talking upstairs. Rising shakily on unsteady legs, he slowly climbed the stairs.

Upon reaching the upper hallway, he noticed that the voice was coming from one of the bathrooms. He put his ear to the door and heard his mother's voice singing in the shower.

"R-E-S-P-E-C-T! Tell me what that means to me!" Izayoi screamed at the top of her lungs.

_She really needs to get her money back. Her singing's worse than amateur night at the Apollo, _Inuyasha thought. "Mom?" he asked, knocking lightly on the door. Izayoi didn't answer for a few minutes and he thought that she hadn't heard him when the door swung open, revealing a thirty-something year-old woman in a tight black leather suit showing way too much cleavage. And was that...Glow by J. Lo that he smelled? Where the hell was she going dressed like _this_!

"Um...mom? I don't think dad would appreciate you dressing this way..."

Izayoi held up her hand to stop him. "I no longer give a damn what your father thinks. I heard what he told Sesshomaru yesterday. If that's how he wants to play, then fine! I have a few "male friends" of my own!" With that, she strutted down the steps and out the front door. A moment later he could hear the roar of his father's motorcycle screeching out of the palace gates.

_What talk did dad and Sesshomaru have?_ He shrugged off the question and started to head toward his room. Opening the door, he noticed that there was someone already in his bed. _Probably Sesshomaru since he still hasn't gotten his room back from Kirara. _But a quick sniff told him otherwise. "Naraku?"

The form on the bed shifted and then a head rose up. "Hello, Inuyasha," the spider demon said. "I've been waiting for you."

"Gee, Naraku, that's awfully nice, but...how can I put this? You're not really my type. I'm really into blondes and brunettes. Know any?"

Naraku's face brightened. "Well, actually I do! My friend Tiffany has been looking for someone to settle down with, and I promised that I'd try and help her! If there's one thing I love more than chocolate cake and a good movie on Lifetime, it's seeing a well-matched couple. In fact, all my friends call me Hitch!"

Inuyasha stared at him for a moment, before slowly starting to back out of the room. _It's okay, boy, _he tried to reassure himself. _This is all just a dream. When I wake up, there'll be no grown men in my room. _But Naraku suddenly shot across the distance between them and swooped him up into his arms. A bright light covered them both and next thing Inuyasha knew, he was standing on a stone floor in a barely furnished room. On a poorly made tatami mat sat Sesshomaru. "Man, this shit sucks!" he said, speaking to Naraku. The spider merely smiled at him.

"There, now my plan can fully take place!" Setting some magazines, scissors, glue and a sheet of white construction paper down in front of them, he said. "Here, make me a ransom note for...one-hundred thousand yen!" The brothers looked at each other and burst out laughing.

"That's all you think we're worth?" Sesshomaru said. "I once tried to sell myself on eBay, and the bidding got up to the millions. The only thing that stopped the deal from going through was that the person who wanted to buy me was some African witch doctor who needed the hair of a demon to resurrect some god of his. Well, that and he needed my liver."

Naraku's face once again brightened and he held up a finger in exclamation. "You know Sesshomaru, I think you've got something going here! I can sell you two on eBay! The world would pay billions—"

"I said, millions, not billions, dumbass" Sesshomaru interjected.

"—For the princes of the west," Naraku continued. "Now all I need are some pictures." Grabbing a digital camera he said, "Strike a pose."

Sesshomaru immediately took center stage. Taking off his kimono, he put it over his shoulder and strutted around the room. "That's right, I love it, I love it!" Naraku cooed. "Now act like a tiger. You're an angry tiger!" Sesshomaru got on his hands and knees and crawled slowly towards the camera, pulling back his lips in a mock snarl. "Now act gangsta. You're the leader of a notorious mob and you feel invincible."

Sesshomaru put his back to one of the walls of the room and pulled his pants down just far enough to where you could see his boxers. Then, putting one of his legs up, he crossed his two middle fingers on both hands, hiding his thumbs behind his palms, effectively making a W. "Gotta rep it for the west side, ya heard," he said, making sure his face looked as if he'd just gotten high. Naraku snapped at least a dozen pictures of him like this.

"Okay, now I only need one more. Act...like a butterfly, flittering through the air without a care in the world and bringing happiness and sunshine to everyone."

"That shit sounds fruitier than a pack of Skittles," Sesshomaru said, shuddering at the thought of him "flittering".

Naraku shrugged. "It was worth a try." He turned to Inuyasha, who was currently playing a PSP. "Ahem!"

Inuyasha didn't even look up.

"I said, _ahem_!"

"You need a cough drop?" Inuyasha asked him, still not looking up.

Naraku sighed in exasperation and sat down on a couch that had a spring poking out of it. Immediately, from somewhere in the shadows of the place, Kagura appeared and started rubbing his shoulders.

"I don't know, Kagura. Maybe I'm not cut out for this. I mean, the idea sounded good at first, but now, I don't know. Keeping them here would mean having to feed them and run their bath water and read bedtime stories." He stopped and looked over to Sesshomaru, who was flexing what little muscle he had left in a full length mirror.

"You know you look good." he mumbled to himself. "Yeah, you're such a dirty whore!" He turned his back to the mirror and threw some of his hair over his shoulder, casting his reflection a provocative look.

Naraku once again sighed from his position on the couch. "Sesshomaru, come here a moment."

The dog demon continued to stare at himself in the mirror. "I would...but I'm...just...too...sexy..." he said dazedly. Grabbing his silver locks, he held it up in what could have been a ponytail. "What do you think? Up like my dad's or down? Up, down, up, down?"

Nobody answered him and when he turned to examine the room, he saw that it was empty. "Haters. They're all jealous of my beauty." And with that, he continued to overly admire himself.

Meanwhile, everyone decided to retreat into the kitchen, even Inuyasha. His battery had died for his PSP and he was quickly growing bored. "I'm hungry."

Naraku looked at him, then lowered his head to yesterday's newspaper that he was reading.

"I said, _I'm hungry_," Inuyasha repeated.

"Nice to meet you hungry, I'm thirsty."

Inuyasha growled to himself in agitation and went over to where the spider demon was. "I said I'M HUNGRY!" He screamed in his ear.

"AND I'M SAYING I DON'T GIVE A FUCK!" Naraku yelled back.

Inuyasha thought that it was time to put his current age into action. Throwing himself on the floor, he threw a temper tantrum. "I'm hungry, I'm hungry, I'M HUNGRY!" he kicked and hollered

. Naraku got up and grabbed a box of macaroni and handed it to him. "Here, you whiny little bitch."

"What the hell is this? Aren't you gonna cook it?"

"Oh, now I have to cook it for you! Damn it, Inuyasha! You're too old for me to be showing you how to fucking cook macaroni! Next you're probably going to want me to wipe your ass, huh?"

"That'd be nice."

Naraku chose to ignore this.

Sitting down in a chair, Inuyasha opened the box of macaroni. Pouring it out, he went back to the living room and got the supplies that Naraku had laid out earlier and started to do macaroni art. So said demon's eyes widened when he noticed what Inuyasha was doing. He slapped him upside his head and grabbed the paper. "Boy, what the hell are you doing? We don't have food to waste." He went over to the stove and got a pot of water boiling, plucking the macaroni from the paper and putting it in the pot.

Without looking up, he asked Inuyasha, "Where's the cheese sauce?" But suddenly he heard a sucking sound. Looking up, he saw the hanyou licking his fingers devoid of the orange powder.

"Oh? You needed that?" he asked.

Naraku let loose a loud growl and threw the contents of the pot against the wall. "Fine! There's you're fucking macaroni art!" He threw some more things around the kitchen (the microwave, the toaster, the fridge...) before slumping against the counter and pulling out a cigarette. He was about to light it, when he doubled over and grabbed his stomach in pain. "Damn, I forgot I was pregnant!"—though how the hell you just "forget" you're pregnant was beyond Inuyasha—Naraku groaned, and staggered back into the living room.

Kagura had started to come from around the corner, but immediately hit a U-turn after seeing Naraku. _All he'll do is make me play midwife. To hell with him! _Naraku gave a very loud cry of pain, and then a mass of black shot out of his side and onto the couch. "Damn, miscarriage", he panted before crashing out on the floor.

"Eww," Inuyasha said. "Clean up on aisle five." The mass of black suddenly wobbled like Jell-O before sliding off the couch and becoming one with Naraku again. "Now, that was some sick shit," Inuyasha muttered and started to head back into the kitchen when someone grabbed his arm.

"Do you think my lips need collagen?" Sesshomaru asked him. Inuyasha rolled his eyes and kept on walking.


	10. Negotiations and Vacations

**Negotiations and Vacations**

Inuyasha and Sesshomaru sat hungrily at the kitchen table. Inuyasha had contemplated on eating the macaroni that Naraku had thrown against the wall, but the roaches had gotten to it first, discouraging him from not only eating it, but anything else in the castle. They had started to explore the place, but when they noticed that they were being tailed by Kanna, they decided to forget that idea.

So there they sat, bored out of their minds and not really knowing how to get back to their palace. A leak in the faucet kept a steady dripping sound coming from the sink. Except for this, the room was completely silent. Finally, Inuyasha snapped. "Damn it! I can't take this any longer! Why the hell aren't we doing anything? Why the fuck are we just sitting here? Sesshomaru, pull your head out of la-la land and start thinking of a way to escape!"

Sesshomaru sighed heavily and said, "I wonder what Martha Stewart is doing."

Inuyasha stared at him like he'd lost his mind. "Of all people to think about, why Martha Stewart? What, Hillary Duff wasn't enough for you?"

"Don't make me think of her," Sesshomaru said with a heavy heart. He still felt bad about leaving the girl for Angelina Jolie . Shaking his head to clear his mind of these thoughts, he said, "I believe that we should consider our options of escaping."

Inuyasha scoffed. "No shit, Sherlock, that's just what I said." Sesshomaru threw him a look that could kill and picked up one of the leftover pieces of construction paper on the table. Using a pen that he'd found under the couch (being careful to avoid Naraku's still unconscious form on the floor) he started writing this:

Dear Mr. Inutaisho,

It displeases me to have to inform you that your children have been abducted by none other than me, Naraku. If you want to see them alive again, you will deliver one-hundred thousand yen to 1100 Killer's Lane Castle No. 5 by seven o'clock on Wednesday morning. If not, you will never see your brats again.

Sincerely,

Naraku

Reading it, Inuyasha gaged. "What is this? Dad's not gonna believe that! 'Sincerely?' Oh, come on, Sesshomaru! Here, give me the pen." On another piece of paper, he wrote:

To you, who smells like dog feces,

I have your stupid children. Bring one-hundred thousand yen to the community park by Wednesday night at seven. And don't try any funny stuff. Once, one guy had walked up to me and asked for a yen and I told him that I didn't have any when there I was, dressed like a king, so that was pretty funny. But that's beside the point! Have my money, bitch or the hanyou (well, come to think of it, hanyou is such an ugly word, and I'm one too, so how about, half-demon?) will get what I call "the Naraku treatment". You feelin' me?

Your forever rival,

Naraku

Sesshomaru read this letter, then slapped his brother. "You're a genius! Of course dad's gonna go to the park to hand over a hundred-thousand yen to...who? Naraku's probably gonna be out for a while and Kagura...well, let's use Kagura only as a last resort. I say we should stick to eBay." Getting up (or down in his case) from the table, Sesshomaru climbed up the back staircase and to the upper hallway, Inuyasha following close behind.

"Nope, not in here...no, not this one...maybe...Oooh! A quarter!" Sesshomaru exclaimed. Hurriedly stuffing it in his pocket, he continued his search of Naraku's room.

"Uh, Sesshomaru, I think this is it." Inuyasha said, holding open a door at the end of the hall. Inside it was completely pink and they would've thought that it was someone else's had it not been for the sign on the door saying "Naraku's room". Sesshomaru stepped cautiously in, trying not to touch anything.

Inuyasha on the other hand, did the exact opposite. "Hm, I wonder why he has chains on his walls," he said, reaching up to touch the bottom pair of the two sets that were on the wall. "And why does he have a whip? And this—" he opened up his closet and noticed a black leather suit hanging up along with a spiked dog collar. "Why would he have this?"

"Sex slaves," Sesshomaru muttered to himself.

"What?" Inuyasha asked.

"Oh, I said, real strange," Sesshomaru told him.

Looking quickly around the room, the older brother found the computer first, a laptop hidden under Naraku's bed. He quickly turned it on. "Oh God! Why does he have a picture of Mom on his desktop!"

"Uh, duh!" Inuyasha said. "That's his wife, remember? And you're his son! Aww, how sweet! A family reunited!" Sesshomaru threw a book at him, but it missed, knocking down a picture of two naked angels joining fingers. "What in the hell," Inuyasha said slowly, looking at it. Sesshomaru didn't notice and went back to getting on the internet.

"There. Now all I have to do is send an e-mail to dad." He typed a quick letter and sent it. "He should be getting it about now." Sesshomaru said, looking at his watch. A few minutes later, though, no response came. "Hmm...maybe I should send another." Still, though, time flew by and no answer came.

"I bet you he's too busy playing that damn Star Wars game." Inuyasha huffed.

Fifty miles to the west, in a very large palace, a party was going on. "Choge, choge, choge, choge!" A crowd of on-lookers chanted as Inutaisho gulped down 40 ounces worth of tequila. All of it disappearing, the room exploded into even more cheers. "Who's up for playing naked Twister?" He called out to everyone and the place erupted with hoots and catcalls.

Back at Naraku's palace, the boys had given up on e-mails. Instead they decided to simply walk the fifty miles back home. But Inuyasha had fallen and twisted his ankle on the first step. Now Sesshomaru carried him on his back, having to deal with his constant nonsense in his ear.

"Sess Sess, I think we should turn here." Inuyasha said, pointing to a left turn in the road. "Sess Sess, should we stop at that gas station up ahead? Sess Sess, I think we should've gone right on Albuquerque. Sess Sess—"

"It's Tom Tom, not Sess Sess! Damn, didn't you learn anything from those GPS commercials?"

Inuyasha ignored him. "Hey, Sess Sess? Why don't you use your flying cloud thing?"

Sesshomaru was ready to protest to his next comment, but thought about it. "You know, Yash Yash, I think you're right!" He conjured up the cloud and a moment later they were in flight.

"From up here you can see everything!" Inuyasha said. "Hey look! There goes Ms. Lanston, our elementary geography teacher. And who's that with her, taking off her shirt? Denzel Washington?"

Sesshomaru looked. "That's not Denzel, you idiot! That's Will Smith!"

"Oh." Inuyasha said and looked over the cloud on the other side.

"Hey, there goes Mom in someone's jacuzzi! Hi Mom!" Inuyasha shouted down to her.

"Hi, honey!" Izayoi called back, snuggling closer to Hugh Heffner.

"Yep, that's mom for you. Always a ho!" Inuyasha threw him a crazy look, then relaxed back to enjoy the ride. Suddenly, his cell phone went off.

"You know, I forgot we had cell phones!" Inuyasha said. Looking at the display screen, Sesshomaru noticed that his read "Inuyasha". He decided to ignore it, until he remembered the answering machine message that he'd put on it two weeks ago.

"Do you wanna get down with the lord of the west?" he heard himself say in his grown-up voice. "If so, dial 1-800-SEX-SESS. I'm here 24/7 and waiting to talk to a fine ass woman. Right now I'm sitting on my bed in nothing but my underwear, oiling up my body, hoping that some sexy lady will call. If that's you, dial 1-800-SEX-SESS. That's 1-800- S-E-X- S-E-S-S. I'll be waiting."

The cloud grew quiet for a few minutes, then... "Sesshomaru, what the hell was that!"

"I was bored," Sesshomaru said. "And besides, that's how I met up with Princess Abi and Yura."

"Who?"

"Never mind." Dialing the palace number, he received the answering machine there. "Hey, you've reached the Inutaisho residence. If I didn't pick up the phone, it's probably because you're either a bill collector, or my mother. In any event that you're not and I still haven't answered the phone, that's probably because I simply don't want to talk to your ass. So you could leave your name, number, and a brief message, and see if I'll get back to you later, but that's not very likely, so you might just wanna save yourself some time and hang up now. Oh, and um... if you're the prostitute from last week, I'll have your money by Monday." A beep followed afterwards.

"Hey, dad, it's me, Sesshomaru. Um...just calling to tell you that I'm on my way home and that I'm fine, no need to worry. I...uh...was just out grabbing a cold one, you know, and um...well, I'm headed back. See ya in a few. Bye."

"That was gay," Inuyasha said.

"Shut the hell up," Sesshomaru retorted. Upon finally arriving back at the palace, they could see at least twenty cars parked outside. _Looks like dad's been busy, _Sesshomaru thought. They landed in the driveway and went inside, only to stop in the living room entrance.

"Come join us!" a naked Inutaisho said cheerily from his awkward position on the Twister mat. Instead, both boys promptly fainted on the floor


	11. Japans Finest Self Hired Investigator

Things get weird in this chapter. Though this is a re-upload, I still want to keep the original content in itself. So, go ahead and quirk an eyebrow or two :)

* * *

**Inutaisho: Japan's Finest Self-Hired Investigator**

The boys woke up to find themselves still in the living room. All of the previous guests had left and Inutaisho had thankfully put on a robe. He now sat in an over-stuffed armchair in front of a fire, legs crossed and swishing a shot of Courvoisier in one hand.

"Good morning, boys" he said cheerily to them before downing the drink and refilling it with the contents of the bottle on the table beside him. "So, Sesshomaru. I got that gay message you left for me—"

"I told you it was gay," Inuyasha cut in.

"—Do you wanna tell me where you really were last night?"

"Not really," Sesshomaru said.

Inutaisho narrowed his eyes at him. "That wasn't a question. I already know the answer; I just want to see if you'll tell the truth."

Sesshomaru sighed and said, "We went to Never Never Land." Inutaisho shot out of his seat and grabbed him by the front of his shirt.

"Boy, what'd I tell you about going near that Jackson man? And now that you're a little kid again... Sesshomaru, don't make me have to break my foot off in your ass, cause I will! Now quit dodging my question and tell me where you two were last night."

"Naraku's," Inuyasha finally said.

Inutaisho got quiet for a moment. Then: "Oh, he has lost his _damn _mind!" Grabbing Inuyasha by the front of his shirt, he warped both boys into a sphere of light with him and next thing they knew, they were back at 1100 Killer's Lane, Castle No.5 aka, Naraku's.

Without even knocking, Inutaisho kicked down the door and marched into the living room to see a still unconscious Naraku on the floor. The dog lord footed him hard in the stomach. "Wake up, you lazy bastard."

"Dad, he's still pregnant, Inuyasha told him, shuddering as he remembered the black blob that'd returned to his body.

"So?"

"So, don't you find it at least a little immoral to kick pregnant men?"

"No. Actually, I find it even more immoral for men to even _get _pregnant!"

"If I was pregnant, would you still kick me?"

"Inuyasha, if you were pregnant, I'd disown you."

Back near the door, Inuyasha heard Sesshomaru say, "Inuyasha, you're acting like a chick, and nobody wants to listen to a woman. They're here for one reason, to follow the instructions of men. So shut the hell up and let dad kick the he-bitch!"

Inuyasha quieted. A groaning on the floor announced that Naraku had finally woken up. "The fu—" he stopped mid-sentence, noticing the one who had kicked him awake. Immediately, he hopped up and balled his fists. "Don't make me have to use my ninja skills on you!"

Inutaisho knocked his pathetically formed fists away from him. "What the hell were you doing with my sons yesterday?" Instead of answering him right then and there, Naraku yawned, then went and got the snapshots of Sesshomaru that he had taken. "You act like I was committing some kind of heinous crime. At least _he _enjoyed being here." Inutaisho looked mortified, seeing the picture of Sesshomaru crawling on the ground.

"How dare you! How dare you have fun at Naraku's! You really are his son!"

"No, you're my daddy!" Sesshomaru screeched. "How can I have a half demon for a father, when I'm full demon?"

The room grew quiet.

"You know, you're right!" Inutaisho finally said. With that, he stormed out the door and down the street, the boys following him.

"Where are we going, dad?" Inuyasha asked. His father didn't answer. "Where are we going, dad?" he asked louder. Still no reply. _Oh, so he wants to act like he doesn't hear me now? Okay, I got something for that! _"Dad, where the fuck are we going!" he screamed.

"Don't talk to me! Anyone who stands up for he-bitches is no son of mine!"

Without warning, he transformed into his true demon form and began running. Sesshomaru conjured up his cloud and both he and Inuyasha got on. _You two had a moment, didn't you? _Sesshomaru heard Inutaisho ask him telepathically. "

"What do you mean?" Sesshomaru asked back, out loud.

"Who are you talking to?" Inuyasha asked him. Since he was a half-demon, he couldn't hear their father.

_What I mean is, you two shared a Kodak moment together. That's the only way you could have gotten your powers back. You're one step closer to transforming back. _

"Do we really have to figure out some kind of magical words in order to get our normal bodies back?" Sesshomaru asked him.

"Who the hell are you talking to?!" Inuyasha asked him again. "First sign of craziness is talking to yourself."

Once again, Sesshomaru didn't answer him and went on listening to their dad. _Yes, you do. I can't undo what I've done. Only you two can. Even I don't know what the word is. I forgot it while playing that damn Star Wars game. Oh, I'm on level 19 on there! Only one more stage to go! _

Sesshomaru sighed. "Damn, it's gonna take forever in a lifetime to figure out what the "magical phrase" is. No thanks to the idiot mutt over there." Inuyasha growled at him.

"That's it! If you want to talk to yourself, go ahead! But I refuse to be in the company of crackheads!"

"How do you know that crackheads talk to themselves?" Sesshomaru asked him.

"I don't, but if I had to give a definition of one, it'd be you!"

With that, he hopped off the cloud and landed on his father's back. But he wasn't counting on the fur being so thick. He immediately started sinking in. "Wait...can't breathe...need straw...dad... should get...a haircut..." Inutaisho seemed to not have noticed and kept running. Sniffing the air, every few bounds he'd take a sharp turn here or there, until finally he leapt over a gate (not noticing the Playboy bunny on the front of the iron bars) and came to an abrupt halt in front of a mansion. Instead of transforming back and knocking on the door, he simply barked to alert his presence. A distraught Izayoi came running out of the house.

"In-Inu-t-taisho! What are you doing here?"

Speaking telepathically to her, he said, _I've come for some answers, bitch! What man-whore are you sleeping with this time? _But she didn't hear him. Telepathy wasn't one of the gifts that had transferred to her when he had shared his powers. So instead, to her, it looked like he was just staring at her, salivating heavily at the mouth like some crazed animal.

"Um...was there something that you wanted?" Izayoi asked.

_Damn right! Who are all of these men you're suddenly with? Who's Andre 3000? Who's Nelly? Who's...Eminem? _

Sighing heavily to himself, Sesshomaru relayed everything his father had just said to her. "Oh...um...those are just friends..." She stuttered.

_Mm-hmm. And one day, I'll go to church, _Inutaisho muttered to himself.

Suddenly, Izyaoi straightened up and said, "While you're asking me all of these questions, I have a few for you. Who's Mariah Carey? Who's Jennifer Hudson? Who's Alicia Keys?"

"They're all African-American women who sing R&B," Sesshomaru supplied.

"Oh, so what, light meat isn't good enough for you?" Izayoi huffed. "You gotta go out and get all the "sista's" in the world?"

"You _could_ do with more meat on your bones," Sesshomaru admitted.

"Oh, okay, so now I'm not "thick" enough? Is that what this is about? So you need a black woman—" Though she went on verbally, telepathically, Inutaisho cut her off.

_Izayoi, I don't wanna hear that! As if two of the men you were with weren't black! And Eminem acts like he is, so he's close. What, I'm not big enough for you? Tell me Izayoi, are the rumors true? Look, I don't want to turn this into a racial issue. _

Sesshomaru translated what he had said to her. "You know what, Inutaisho? I have a way to solve all of this. I want a divorce."

Somewhere within the confines of Inutaisho's fur, a loud shriek was emitted, but sounded more like a squeak to those on the outside.

_Hold up a sec, Izyaoi, _Inutaisho said, for Sesshomaru to repeat to her. He violently scratched his back until a very disheveled Inuyasha fell out. _Damn! That's the biggest flea I've ever seen in my life! And a strange one at that...Myoga's been busy! _

Finally he transformed into his normal state. "You can't divorce me! I own you! And besides, we're mates. You'd die without me."

"And you without me," Izayoi said.

For the first time in a very long time, Inutaisho was beginning to feel fear. "You can't do this! It's suicide!"

"Anything to have your ass dead is worth it!" she said, and with that, she turned around and went back into the mansion.

Looking at Sesshomaru and Inuyasha, Inutaisho said, "Take it from me boys, never claim a mate. It's as bad as saying "I do", and once you do, you're stuck with them forever. Women tend to let themselves go after they know that you're stuck with them for all eternity. Come to think of it, how do you divorce when you're mated? The marks can't be removed. Can they...?'

"Anyways, like I said, women tend to want to let themselves go. They never want to do anything, and are always pushing you to be a man and "get a real job and pay some bills," or "put down the toilet seat, cause I fall in it late at night" Yes, the best man, is a single man." He conjured up his own cloud and headed home, annoyed and, truth be told, slightly shaken up by the day's events. But you'd never hear _him _say it!


	12. Problems Solved?

**Problems Solved?**

As soon as Inutaisho got home, he immediately went to his liquor cabinet and took down a bottle of gin, ripping off the lid and taking it to the head.

"Dad! Just straight gin?" Sesshomaru asked him incredulously. "Here," he reached in the fridge and brought out a gallon of Sunny D. "Now you can have gin and juice."

"Thanks," Inutaisho said half-heartedly. He went into the living room and plopped down on the couch, watching Inuyasha as he messed around with some burnt grasses on the table.

"Inuyasha, what the hell are you doing?" Sesshomaru said, looking at the little rows of grass that he had made using a credit card.

"Oh, I'm just preparing some medicinal herbs Kaede gave me for stress. I figured Dad could use them."

"Wait a minute," Inutaisho said. "Kaede gave you those?"

"Uh...yeah," Inuyasha answered, not exactly seeing where this was going.

Inutaisho gave a knowing smile to Sesshomaru. "Here, son, this is how you prepare it." He pushed Inuyasha to the side and soon had his "medicinal herbs" fixed to his liking.

"Damn, Sesshomaru! Quit being such a hog! It's puff puff, give!" Inuyasha snatched it from his brother.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Inutaisho stopped him. "Aren't you a bit of a minor to be smoking?"

"And isn't this illegal in the first place?" he said back.

Inutaisho gave a shrug, took the joint, and gave a long drag. "Can't believe your fuckin' mother left me. Who does she think she is, sleeping with Hugh Heffner? I'm more of a man than he'll ever be!"

Sesshomaru gave him a pat on the shoulder with one hand, while reaching over with his other and grabbing the smoke. "See, what did I tell you? What the hell's so great about humans? Yeah, they make nice play toys, you know, since they're not going to live as long as you do so you don't have to be really committed or anything, but in the long run, they're nothing but nuisances."

Inuyasha looked between both him and his father as if he wanted to slap them. "Oh, sure Sesshomaru, your mom's better. Yeah, it's always better to have a mate who'd rather sleep with Naraku. Speaking of which, you should really keep more in touch with your father."

Sesshomaru stood up, but wobbled and fell back down. "I'd kick your ass right now if I wasn't so stoned. Dad, could you hit Inuyasha for me?" But Inutaisho had gotten up off the couch. "Dad?" When he didn't get an answer, he got up to look for him, Inuyasha following unsteadily behind him.

They found their father in the kitchen, digging for something in the fridge. "Man, I'm hungry! Don't you suddenly have the munchies?"

But Sesshomaru had already started digging in the pantry, and Inuyasha was rooting through the cabinets. Five minutes later, they all met at the kitchen table with their goods. Sesshomaru pushed his to the center to show them. "I've got a jar of peanut butter, a can of baked beans, and a bag of dried lima beans."

Inuyasha went next. "A box of powdered milk, a packet of instant grits, and a bag of fish fry."

Inutaisho put his finds on the table proudly. "I've got a pack of green pork chops from about three months ago, a gallon of milk from 2000, and some left over salmon loaf." He looked around at the items on the table and beamed. "Let's have a feast, boys!"

Inutaisho opened the peanut butter and spread some of it on a pork chop, then sprinkled it with fish fry. Sesshomaru poured some of the ancient milk in a bowl with the instant grits. Inuyasha ripped the can of baked beans open with his mouth and dumped them over the salmon loaf. They all ate a spoonful of their concoctions at the same time.

Suddenly they all paused. "Damn!" They said in union.

"Feels like I've joined one of those Parrot Bay parties but the place is filled with fat girls," Sesshomaru said.

"That good?" Inuyasha asked him.

"Hell yeah!"

Inutaisho swooshed his food around in his mouth, then said, "Tastes like Izayoi's feet when she hasn't washed them in a week."

Inuyasha scowled at him. "Why wouldn't mom wash her feet for a week? Furthermore, what are you doing tasting them?"

Inutaisho shrugged. "I don't know, it was one of her kinky ideas."

Inuyasha gave him another look, then frowned. "This tastes like a fiesta in my mouth, but everybody's throwing up."

"Really?" his brother asked him.

Inuyasha nodded his head sadly.

"Oh, damn, sorry man. Then again, what the hell did you expect? You're eating leftover salmon loaf and pork and beans. What kind of meal is that?" Inuyasha gave him a look that clearly said, "Your meal was just as bad as mine and you know it."

Inutaisho gave a groan, then slumped over onto the floor. "Damn, I'm so wasted!" And promptly he started singing "Because I Got High," though he was missing half the lyrics.

Suddenly, Sesshomaru interrupted him. "Holy shit! Inuyasha, what the hell is that on your shoulder!"

Inuyasha looked, but nothing was there. "What, man, what!" he freaked.

"Bro, there's this huge chip on your shoulder! I think it might be a Pringle or a Frito or something!"

"Well, which is it?!"

Sesshomaru took a closer look. "Looks kind of like a Cheeto."

Inuyasha screamed and ran from the table, but he tripped over Sesshomaru's tail. Sesshomaru tried to calm his still screaming brother down.

"Hey, it's okay! You were talking about your food being disgusting, well, eat that damn chip! I mean, how hard can it be? It's only twelve feet long." This only made Inuyasha freak out even more and wail louder.

"Look, I'll eat it for you, okay?" Sesshomaru reached for the imagined chip and looked like he was taking a bite. "See? Now only about a hundred more bites to go! But you're my little brother! We gotta look out for each other man!" Suddenly he started sobbing on Inuyasha's shoulder. "I...(sniff) I love you, man!"

A bright flash filled the kitchen, and instead of simply hugging his brother, Sesshomaru had now lifted him off the ground in his grown up state. "I'm so sorry for all the times that I put gum in your hair while you were sleeping!" he sobbed into Inuyasha's clothes.

"Sesshomaru—"

"And for the time I peed on the side of the toilet and blamed it on you!"

"Really, Sesshomaru, maybe you should—"

"And for the time I slept with Kagome."

"What?!" Inuyasha finally wrenched his way free of Sesshomaru's death grip and looked up at him. "When I overheard Kagome tell Sango that she had lost her virginity already, I thought she was playing, but...it was with...you!" Sesshomaru sniffed again and looked down at him, then finally noticed that he was actually _looking down _on him again!

"Ha...ha ha...ha ha ha..." He began to laugh maniacally. "Now that you're still little, I can torture you just the way I've always imagined! By tickling your toes until you can't breathe anymore!" He took a step towards Inuyasha.

"I love you."

Sesshomaru stopped. "Dude, I'm into Latinos. Kagome was just a booty call."

Another flash filled the room and then Inuyasha was back in his older form.

"So, I see you figured out the magical words," Inutaisho said from down on the floor. "Good! Now both of you get your sorry asses out there and find a house. No, wait, Sesshomaru, you find you a mate that you don't really love just to get another heir to the throne, then get out of the house. Inuyasha, pack your bags, cause you're going to college. And for Christ's sake, loose your virginity already! We dog demon's don't do the four-hundred year old virgin thing!"

In conclusion, both boys followed their father's orders, except that Sesshomaru followed his brother to college. And instead of picking out one girl for his mate, he ended up being a father of seven, from seven different girls. Not such a smooth move. As for Inuyasha, he also found himself a girlfriend, but after only lasting thirty seconds with her in bed, she dumped him. Rumors have it that he's groveling for Kikyo to accept him back.

And as for the relationship issues with Inutaisho and Izayoi, they were fortunately resolved, and he still likes sucking her toes for fun.

* * *

Thanks for bearing with the quacky silliness! Final thoughts are much appreciated!


End file.
